Wednesday, September 24
{ 9:36 PM }
[Prozac
The sound of stamping on the crispness of autumn leaves would make me think of my head cracking open. And I would get really scared, scared that it would happen to me and ever more frightened that it wouldn't, that a protracted life of misery and wanting to die would go on and on. And I'll run, run for cover ... Instead ,the black wave, the gloom, was everywhere. It chased me like a runaway train and clung to me like leeches. And I wasn't just running in a metaphoric sense: I literally didn't stop moving, never dared slowed down to think, too scared to find out what was there
in the course of life, there is sadness and pain and sorrow, all of which, in their right time and season, and normal- unpleasant, but nomal. depression is in altogether different zone because it invloved a complete absense: absense of affect, absense of feeling, absense of response, absence of interest
and my addiction to depression or stress or misery involved the same mental mechanism as someone else's alcoholism... the description of what causes the pathology is the same. It's always something about not being loved enough as a child.
i need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on
The Dead Girl: it was like sawdust, the unhappiness: it infiltrated everything, everything was a problem, everything made her cry- school, homework, boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of the future, fear of the furture, fear in general- but it was so hard to say what the problem was in the first place.
There was even nobody there to call my bluff.]Dear God, the exams period's really draining and it reveals to me so much more of myself that I didn't discover before. I pray that you'll keep me and my friends safe. And more importantly get rid of all the negative thoughts that Satan places in us. I'll still hold unto You, unto Your promise.
break my heart for what breaks Yours, teach me how to love like You loved me
